Guest Blogger: Why I Said Church Hurts
A few days ago, someone left a very poignant anonymous comment on my blog. In response, I asked this person to email me. After reading her story, I’ve asked if I can share it here, and she has graciously allowed me to do that.
As you read this story, I hope you will listen carefully to what is being said. People are hurting all around us, and God has put us in their lives to help and encourage them. We are here to bring glory to God by caring for his people. Perhaps someone that you are acquainted with is hurting just like this sister.
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Why I Said Church Hurts
by Mrs. Anonymous
In a recent anonymous post, I summarized my family’s experiences with church by saying that ‘church hurts’. That’s a strong statement, and maybe one that needs explanation. So I will attempt to briefly describe some of the circumstances that have led up to my comments. My intent is not to unload a ‘laundry list’ of gripes with my church. My hope is that in reading our story, some may find comfort that they are not alone in their own pain, and also, that perhaps leaders in churches will be reminded that their true calling is to tenderly nurture the believers in their midst, not to build programs, structures, attendance, or budgets.
First of all, let me say that I dearly love Christ, and I love His children. I believe in His design for the church– individual, uniquely gifted members ministering to one another with the goal of seeing one another grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ. And I praise God for those few precious people He has brought into my life, who love Christ, and encourage me in the ‘fight of faith’. I can’t imagine life without their love. And so yes, I do have some interaction with the body of Christ that is very positive and loving and healing. But most of that occurs with friends who are outside of what we call our ‘church’.
In our church, there is a lot of ‘moving and shaking’ going on. Attendance is increasing. Additions are being built. New staff is being hired. Our image is one of ‘excellence’ (and image is very important). All this is exciting, and there is lots of enthusiasm for all that God is doing. But I look around each Sunday and wonder how many people are just pasting on a smile, hiding their hurts, believing they don’t really matter. Like my family does……
In our church, even though we have verbalized our financial situation more than once, there is no understanding of why my husband works so many Sundays and often misses church. Though the leaders are aware that he works upwards of eighty hours a week, at three different jobs, to meet the most basic needs of our family, their focus has not been on encouraging him, but rather on ‘reminding’ him of the importance of church attendance. It has been implied, subtly, and more overtly, that if we have financial problems, it must, at root, be ‘our fault’. I see the weariness in my husband, the disrespect he feels because he isn’t ‘white collar’, and I fear I see a wounding in my husband disguised as a growing indifference toward church.
Our oldest son is in his twenties, and since he moved out of our home a year ago, he hasn’t attended church. Nobody seemed to notice, even though for six years he was ‘faithful’, and even a leader in the youth program. Recently an elder called asking for his mailing address so he could be sent a letter ‘warning’ him that if he didn’t start attending church, he would be removed from the membership list. That letter will be the first attempt leadership has made to ‘reach out’ to him since he left. So, my son finds more caring and acceptance from his unbelieving friends than he does from the church where he was once held up as a ‘model teen’.
My sixteen year old daughter almost died last December. A very rare, life-threatening infection landed her in Intensive Care for over a week. The infection attacked all her organs. An athlete, she faced the possibility of having one or both feet amputated. Our church did respond with prayer, meals brought to us, and a visit from the pastor, for which I was, and remain, grateful. But once our daughter was home, she began processing what she had gone through: the reality of her own mortality, the fear that her weakened body would not return to its pre-illness state, and that she would have to let go of her athletic goals– her dreams. I shared her struggles with a couple leaders, one of which declared that this was probably God’s way of ‘shaking her tree’, and trying to get her attention, as though she had some sin issue that had brought on her illness. So my daughter and I spent a lot of long nights talking and crying together, as she came to terms with what she’d gone through. It was a faith-building time for her, and the church leaders missed their opportunity to be part of it. (By the way, she recovered fully, by God’s mercy, and went on to compete, athletically, at the state level.)
The latest wounds have been directed toward me. Because I gently cautioned against a controversial idea put forth by the women’s leadership board, I was labeled as ‘negative’ and told repeatedly, that I have a ‘heart issue’. I have been warned not to talk through, with my friends, any problems I have with the church, as this is ‘gossip’, even when it’s done in a genuine spirit of seeking clarity and balanced advice from trusted believers. The church leadership has proceeded with a concerted effort to marginalize and minimize my ‘influence’. Disparaging, suspicion-inducing comments about our family have been shared with others, including one of our best friends. If this weren’t all so hurtful, I could almost laugh at the Junior High-esque tactics of those who claim to be the leaders of God’s people. Maybe some day I will laugh. But I won’t laugh for the next family that ‘dares’ to not ‘support’ leadership, and suddenly finds themselves targeted.
So, I know, everyone has anecdotal evidence of failures in their church. We have all been hurt or disappointed at times. These are just a few of my stories. I can accept that imperfect people will behave imperfectly. We have had our share of minor church conflicts and issues that we have worked through, or chosen to simply forgive or ignore. In over two decades of being in Christ, we have only belonged to two churches, so we aren’t ‘quitters’. But what do you do when ‘going to church’ hurts more than staying away does? When faith in God’s acceptance, and nurturing, cherishing love for me is easier to maintain at home, than ‘at church’. What do I tell my kids? How do I help them avoid equating the failures of people with an ‘unloving’ God?
We are at a point of leaving the church we now attend. It’s sad. I love the people there. But the leadership seems to have put together a model for growth that doesn’t have room for ‘people like us’. I’m scared to look for a new assembly. I don’t want to get hurt again. And I fear that my fear is going to turn into a self-protective distancing of myself from the God-designed relationships He has in store for me. And by the strength that He supplies, I will resist that tendency. But fear of rejection is a powerful force in alienating people. I often wish we could be a wealthier, ‘stronger’ more ‘put together’ family. That seems to be what a lot of churches are looking for. Oddly different criteria than the weary, burdened, and heavy-laden folks Jesus called to Himself. But I also know that a lot of the struggles God has allowed in our lives have been used by Him to make us more compassionate, sympathetic, God-dependent people. We are in process. We are his workmanship. And praise Him, it’s a work He won’t abandon. He is growing my faith, even while I struggle with my hurts and disappointments. I know that God has not abandoned His church to His children’s foolish ideas of how to ‘manage’ or ‘improve’ or ‘grow’ it. I just struggle with the ‘how’ of living in a time and place where the ‘church’ seems to have moved so far of course. Which I guess, in part, is what Alan’s blog is all about. I am encouraged, strengthened, and provoked to Christlike love through Alan’s writings and the comments of others. Thanks for listening to mine.
Did Jesus mean it?
As most of my readers know, I believe that love is paramount in the life of a follower of Jesus Christ. For example, see the post “Loving disciples…” and the posts linked from there.
my it nIn the last week, Joel from “Grace Roots” has written a five part series called “That ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ Thing…” (click here for Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5). This is an excellent series on love, but Joel moves beyond what love is to ask (and answer) this question: “Can we keep Jesus’ command to love our neighbor as ourselves?”
For example, Joel says:
Jesus’ words to the rich younger ruler, “sell all you have and distribute to the poor,” were mouth-stopping, guilt-producing words to this man who considered himself justified by his law keeping. Jesus’ words to the lawyer were mouth-stopping, guilt-producing words.
No one can be justified by keeping the law. That is the whole point of the law!
And, for the most part, we would agree with what Joel says here. Can we be justified (made right) with God by keeping the law? As Paul would say, “μὴ γένοιτο“, which is loosely translated, “May it never be!” We cannot keep the law and so we must rely on God’s grace for justification. We are right with God only because God has chosen to declare us righteous in his mercy.
Beyond justification, what do we do when we realize that we are not loving our neighbors as ourselves? Well, according to many well-meaning authors, we need to practice the “Christian disciplines” more. We need to read Scripture, pray, fast, give, etc. When we do these things then we will become… What? Do we really believe this? Does our justification depend entirely on God but our sanctification depend on us? As Paul would say, “μὴ γένοιτο“, which is loosely translated, “Are you out of your mind!” We cannot change ourselves! Sanctification is a work of the Holy Spirit as he indwells the believer.
So, if we cannot keep the commands of God – even the command to love our neighbor as ourselves – do we just give up and continue in a state of “un-love”? As Paul would say, “μὴ γένοιτο“, which is loosely translated, “Are you Homer Simpson?” Failing to love our neighbor is sin, and just as with any sin, the Spirit will convict us when we are not walking in love with our neighbors. As James says, we then submit to God and rely on more grace from him.
Relying on God for grace is not the same as trying harder, nor is it the same as giving up. Relying on God’s grace means that we admit that we cannot obey God on our own, and that He must change us himself in order for us to obey him. It takes humility, both before God and before other people. Again, as James says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble”. If we do not see the fruit of the Spirit (such as love) being produced in our lives, it may be an indication that we are living in pride instead of humility.
Joel ends his series by reminding us that God’s life is being created in us… not when we try to do better, but when we simply abide in Christ:
The “how” is really a Person – Jesus Christ. He is in us, and we are in Him. His life is our life. We are one spirit with Him. In Him we live and move and have our being. When it came down to the truth of living a godly life and bearing godly fruit, Jesus didn’t say, “follow all these laws and principles and you’ll bear fruit.” He said, “He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit.” Under the law and principles, we could bear no fruit. In fact, Paul says, “the sinful passions which were aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death!” (See Rom 7:5). But now that we’ve died to what once bound us (the law), we serve in the newness of the Spirit! The good fruit that comes forth is the Spirit’s own fruit that He produces in and through us as we simply abide in Christ, not struggling to fulfill commands and principles. Maybe I’ll put it this way: The commands of God and the principles for Christian living are fulfilled in us, not as we set out to try to do them, but as we rest in Christ and let His life in us take over and produce all of it. All of it!
Do you love your neighbor as yourself? No, not that neighbor, the other neighbor. You know the one I’m talking about. No? You don’t love them? Abide in Christ, and allow him to love them.
Anabaptists…
Today, Dave Black began a series on the Anbaptists called “What I Have Learned From the Anabaptists“. At one point, he says:
Like the Anabaptists of the sixteenth century, who longed for a restoration both in the structures and the practices of the church and whose vision differed from the magisterial model, so I believe it is time for an alternative vision of church and society, one that is Christocentric and follows the pattern of Jesus by obedience to His teaching and His example. More than anything we need a return to the pure Word of God as the only guide to Christian conduct and thought. A classic case in point: today we find congregational participation in our gatherings squelched by an unbiblical emphasis on the “clergy” and a corresponding passivity among the “laypeople.” The motivation behind limiting congregational participation is undoubtedly noble (to ensure “quality,” to protect against heresies, to maintain order, etc.). Still, such motivations seem biblically unsustainable.
He later describes why these motivations are “biblically unsustainable”. Read the remainder of the article. And, then, ask yourself, “Do I understand the church and the church meeting through studying Scripture, through tradition that I’ve been taught, through business models, or another method?”
Loving disciples…
For the last few months, I have been encouraged that many people have been pointed to my blog by searching for something related to this verse of Scripture:
By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. (John 13:35 ESV)
I am encouraged by this because this means – I hope – that more believers are understanding that love is paramount for a follower of Jesus Christ. Not the kind of love that we can drum up for those who are like us, but the kind of love that only God can create within us through his Spirit. We are love those who are like us, other believers who are not like us, and even unbelievers.
So, if you are interested in reading more about my understanding of “loving disciples”, here are a few posts:
1. Jesus cares more about people than rituals
2. Jesus demonstrates God’s love even towards those who reject him
3. Listening, Learning, Serving…
5. Which did the will of his father?
7. Do we want to be associated with a Samaritan?
8. All people will know that you are my disciples…
10. Owe no one anything except to love one another…
As Jesus said, all of the Torah and the Prophets can be summarized in this two-fold command: Love God and love your neighbor as yourself. John called this the new command that is not really new at all.
You can’t manufacture this kind of love yourself. So what do we do when God’s love is not flowing through us? Repent and submit to the Spirit’s work in our lives. He always creates love.
Selling and distributing…
Luke records this amazing fact about the believers just after Pentecost:
And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. (Acts 2:45 ESV)
Has anyone ever experienced something like this, either affecting yourself or someone you know? Is this common or uncommon today? Why?
How "Rich" are you?
Dan at “Cerulean Sanctum” has posted an excellent article called “A Letter to Rich, the Young Ruler“. He wrote the post as a letter to a modern day rich, young ruler. In the letter, he mentions some people (fictional or not?) who use the money that God provides in order to provide for the needs of others, instead of for their own wants. Consider this paragraph:
Let me tell you about some people I know. I know a couple who bought a small home in one of the worst neighborhoods in our city. He has a good job and could afford a much larger home, but he and his wife elected to use their extra money to meet the desperate needs of their poorer neighbors. I know a man who forgoes the expensive medication he needs to feel better so he can help a woman who has no health insurance pay for the even more expensive cancer medication she needs. I know a family who sent $1000 of their hard-earned money to help an unemployed couple they had never met in person make a house payment so they could keep their home. I know a man who gave every cent he owned in the world to fund a missionary couple who would have been recalled. Those missionaries were in the middle of their translation of the Bible into a new language. They would’ve had to come home unless they raised enough money to complete the translation.
I think these people have learned what it truly means to be “rich”.
Do you know how rich you are? Yes, you’re spiritually rich, but based on the riches of this world, you are probably also physically rich. (See “Global Rich List“) Did God provide you with all of those riches to keep, or to share with others in need?
Jesus cares more about people than rituals
I was tagged by Bryan at “Charis Shalom” to post five things I dig about Jesus. I “dug” this meme so much that I decided to blog through my five things. Number four on my list is that Jesus cares more about people than rituals.
God commanded the Israelites to carry out certain rituals. The most important of these rituals were the sacrifices and offerings. In fact, the children of Israel were required to sacrifice certain animals, food, or drink. But, the prophets tell us something interesting.
According to Isaiah, God did not delight in the sacrifices and burnt offerings. Instead, God wanted his people to “learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause”. (Isaiah 1:17 ESV)
Similarly, the prophet Micah rhetorically asks what delights God:
“With what shall I come before the LORD, and bow myself before God on high? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousands of rivers of oil? Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?” He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:6-8 ESV)
Micah recognized that God required justice and kindness toward others before sacrifice.
In Malachi, God accepts the sacrifices of Israel when they do not lie to each other, when they do not oppress the hired worker, the fatherless, and the widow, and when they do not misuse the immigrant. (Malachi 3:3-6)
God cares about people more than sacrifices and offerings. God cares about people more than rituals. The children of Israel could carry out all of the sacrifices and offerings and all of the rituals required by the law, but those rituals were worthless if they were not treating people properly.
What about Jesus? What did Jesus think about ritual? Remember that many of Jesus’ healings occurred on the Sabbath. Why? Because Jesus cared more about the people than following the rules of the Sabbath. Certainly, these rules were man-made, but they were rituals that the religious people kept. Jesus did not keep rituals in order to be religious. He healed people and cared for people.
But, these were man-made Sabbath rules. What about God ordained rituals? Did Jesus put people before God ordained rituals? Jesus told the man about to offer his sacrfice to first reconcile with his brother. To Jesus, relationships came before ritual. In fact, this parallels with what the prophets taught. Sacrifices and offerings are meaningless if people are not treated with justice and kindness. (Matthew 5:23-24)
Remember also that Jesus used the priest and the Levite – those responsible for carrying out the rituals – as negative examples in the story of the good Samaritan. Many believe that the priest and Levite refused to stop because they would become “unclean” and would not be allowed to carry out their ritual duties. (Luke 10:30-33)
Let’s be honest… there are alot of rituals associated with the organized church. Attend on Sunday and Wednesday… sit down, stand up, kneel… Bow your heads and close your eyes… Read this passage, sing this song, pray this prayer… Put your money here… Rituals.
Are there good reasons for these rituals? Certainly, just as there were good reasons for the sacrifices and offerings. But, people must come before rituals.
Jesus puts us before rituals. His compassion for us does not depend on standing the right way, or sitting just so, or bowing our heads and closing our eyes, or singing well. His love for us does not rise and fall with the frequency of our attendance at certain meetings. Jesus cares more about people than rituals.
Jesus demonstrates God’s love even towards those who reject him
I was tagged by Bryan at “Charis Shalom” to post five things I dig about Jesus. It was very interesting thinking about five things, so I’m blogging through my list. The third “diggable” item on my list was that Jesus demonstrates God’s love even towards those who reject him.
Jesus is the supreme demonstration of God’s love toward us – not a mental, philosophical, idealistic kind of love, but an active, moving, giving, doing kind of love. Jesus’ love cannot be earned, cannot be repaid, cannot be lost, cannot be duplicated.
According to Jesus, the entire Hebrew Bible can be wrapped up in one two-fold command: Love God and love your neighbors. (Matt 22:38-39; Mark 12:30-31) According to Luke, a Jewish expert in the law agreed with Jesus. (Luke 10:25-28) James combined the two-fold command into one: If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well. (James 2:8)
Love is important… love is necessary… love is central. And, God demonstrated his love for us in Christ’s death on our behalf. Notice, Christ did not die for us because we were righteous; he died for us while we were sinners. He did not die for us because of our worth; we were worthless without him. He did not die for us because we deserved it; we deserved only death, condemnation, and damnation. Christ died for us because he loved us.
There remains nothing in us to earn God’s love; and yet he loves us. In fact, though we cannot earn his love, we also cannot be separated from his love. God’s love for us through Christ is complete and eternal. This love is granted to us by grace; lavished on us despite ourselves.
But, what about those who reject Jesus? Sure, God loves those of us who are in Christ. He loves those who are new creations. He loves the sheep; but what about the goats?
There was once a rich, young man who came to Jesus. He asked Jesus a very important question: “Why must I do to have eternal life?” After a short conversation, Jesus told the man to sell everything he had and follow Jesus. The man refused because he had great riches. (Matt 19:16-22; Mark 10:17-22) The man rejected Jesus in favor of the riches of this world.
Mark, as he often does, adds a piece of information that is not found in the other accounts. Mark said that Jesus loved the young man. (Mark 10:21) Jesus loved the man who rejected him. God-in-flesh, worth of glory and worship, loves someone who rejects him for land and money. This is the same God-Man who would look at those who were crucifying him and ask his father to forgive them.
I have chosen to follow Jesus. And, sometimes, I do. Hopefully, I follow him most of the time. But, honestly, like Peter, I often follow other voices that are not the voice of my father in heaven. During those times, I reject Jesus. And, Jesus loves me.
Sometimes, by my words and actions and attitudes, I deny and even attempt to separate myself from Jesus – again, much like Peter. And, Jesus loves me.
God demonstrates his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. And he loves us, and loves us, and loves us, and loves us…
We can’t measure the fullness of Christ’s love for us – we will never reach the end, never find the boundary, never cross the line, never go too far, never find that last straw. (Eph 3:18-19) Nothing will separate us from Christ’s love – not Satan, not demons, not sin, not ourselves. (Rom 8:35-39)
When others forsake us, God loves us. When others disparage us, God loves us. When others hate us, God loves us. When others shame us, God loves us. When others forsake us, God loves us. When others are more holy, righteous, mature, godly, spiritual, efficient, practical, committed, involved, knowledgeable, smiling, Christian… God loves us – with an active, moving, giving, doing kind of love.
Whenever… Whatever… Wherever… God loves you!
Listening, learning, serving…
I’ve had an ongoing conversation over the last few days with my wife, Margaret, and a good friend of ours (Theron from “Sharing in the Life“). Actually, for me, the conversation started a couple of days before that when another friend of ours made a comment about some ladies that we have not seen lately, whom we have tried to serve, but for some reason, we have failed to serve them. This comment led to our continuing conversation about service – particularly about serving people who are different from us: people from different cultures, different ages (generations), different beliefs, etc.
Theron and I began talking about serving people from foreign cultures: specifically, how would we serve people if we lived in a foreign culture? I realize that many people who read this blog deal with this question (and similar questions) every day of their life. Theron suggested that before we could serve someone, we would have to know how to serve them. In other words, in different cultures service may be different (and probably is) than service in our own culture. Thus, it would be necessary to listen to people and to know them before we could truly serve them in ways that matter to them – in ways that impact their lives. Certainly, this does not mean that we should sit around doing nothing, but there is a learning process before serving becomes as effective as it could be. Also, I would never remove the important role of the Holy Spirit in this. The Spirit certainly leads us to serve people in ways that we may not understand, but in ways that may be extremely important to the ones being served.
The necessity of the process of learning to serve others is fairly obvious when serving people in foreign cultures. But, what about people in our own culture that may be from a different generation or have a different set of beliefs or even from a different background. Could it be that we miss opportunities to serve – and at others times offend people when we attempt to serve them – because we do not listen and learn about them before we begin to serve? We have attempted to serve some people who are older than us recently, without much success. Why? Because I don’t think we knew them enough to know how to serve them. Why didn’t we know them? We didn’t begin by listening to them.
Margaret reminded me that a few years ago, when we lived in another state, we were able to successfully serve some older ladies. We would spend time with them in their homes, listening to their stories, sharing tea and snacks. When she reminded me of this, I immediately thought, “That’s not serving! That’s just hanging out!” Of course, this is exactly the point of my post. To me, spending time talking with these ladies was just hanging out, but to them, it was serving them. We demonstrated our love for them by spending time with them. I viewed service differently than they did. They viewed service differently than me.
If I spent all of my time, energy, and resources serving them in the way that I wanted to be served, then I would have wasted much of that time, energy, and resources. Why? Because they were served by us being with them, not by us doing things for them.
I began to think about my son and daughter. In a few years, they will be living on their own. I wonder, what will they consider service? How will they serve others and how will others their age want to be served? What about the men and women who are several years younger than me today? What do they consider service?
Similarly, many times we try to serve people the way other Christians want to be served. But, what if our neighbors are not followers of Christ? What if our coworkers are not Christians? Do we serve them in the same way that we would serve Christians that we know? Or, should we actually spend time listening to them and getting to know them, so that we will know how to serve them?
I realize that this is obvious to many people. However, for those of us who are learning what it means to serve people who are different than us, then this may be something that we need to consider and contemplate. I know that my family is learning to serve others – especially those outside the body of Christ. We are thinking about what it means to serve and love those who are of a different ethnicity or cultural background, those from a different economic class, or even those with different beliefs. We want to provide a cup of cold water in a way that benefits them the most – not in ways that benefit us the most.
So, as we serve others, we must begin by listening to them and learning from them. We must get to know them. Then, we can serve them as God leads us and strengthens us – we can serve them in a way that brings God glory.
God loves you…
I have a message for all brothers and sisters in Christ…
To those who did not want to paste a fake smile on your face and act like everything is fine… God loves you!
To those who did not sign up to help in the new “ministry program” even though you felt pressured and made to feel less spiritual… God loves you!
To those who did not feel like sitting through another mini-concert and lecture that did not apply to you… God loves you!
To those who struggle with sins that are not the kinds of sins other believers accept… God loves you!
To those who have been called uncommitted because they do not attend every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesday evening, and special event… God loves you!
To those who have struggled with their relationship with God and have been instructed that the answer is to get more involved with programs… God loves you!
To those whose children do not memorize all their Bible verses or cannot find every book of the Bible within 2.7 seconds… God loves you!
To those who do not work in the nursery, even after being guilted and given dirty looks… God loves you!
To those who choose not to bow your head and close your eyes… God loves you!
To those who feel they can never be good enough, can never do enough, can never look good enough, can never say the right things… God loves you!
To those who have had their questions, struggles, and pains all too easily brushed aside or fixed… God loves you!
To those who can’t live up to the obligations and expectations that others have placed on them… God loves you!
Can you imagine living in that kind of love every day, instead of the guilt and shame which we usually allow others and ourselves to subject us to?
Can you imagine offering that kind of love to everyone, instead of the conditional approval that we usually offer people?
God loves you.