A Completely Biblical Church
I’ve decided to begin a new church which I’m calling a Completely Biblical Church – since it is originating completely from Scripture. Trust me… this is completely legitimate… not a joke at all… I wouldn’t lie to you… not today, or all days.
To determine the practices of this church, I’ve scoured Scripture and determined practices that most churches ignore, using the same hermeneutical principles used to determine church practices by other churches today. Here are a few of the new practices along with the texts which demonstrate that these are scriptural practices:
- No church meetings will be held in rooms that are at ground level or below. All meetings will be held above ground level.
He will show you a large upper room furnished and ready… (Mark 14:15)
And when they had entered, they went up to the upper room, where they were staying… (Acts 1:13)
There were many lamps in the upper room where we were gathered. (Acts 20:8)
- Regardless of the start time, every preacher or teacher will continue speaking until midnight (or someone falls out of a window, whichever comes first).
[W]hen we were gathered together…, Paul talked with them…, and he prolonged his speech until midnight. (Acts 20:7)
- Songs will only be sung silently (in the heart). In public, songs will only be spoken out loud.
[S]peaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord in your heart… (Ephesians 5:19)
[S]inging psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God… (Colossians 3:16)
- The people of the church will eat together every day.
And day by day…, they were sharing their food with glad and generous hearts… (Acts 2:46)
- Only young people under 30 will allowed to be leaders.
Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)
- Only those with stomach ailments will be allowed to be leaders. Those with other types of ailments will be considered under special circumstances.
No longer drink only water, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments. (1 Timothy 5:23)
- All women will give birth in pairs (or more), while a man from the church helps them.
Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side… (Philippians 4:3)
- All prayers will be spoken while kneeling with the hands raised.
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father… (Ephesians 3:14)
I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands… (1 Timothy 2:8)
- A “conversion” will only be considered valid if the “converted” actually falls down on his or her face. If the fall draws blood, the person’s conversion will be considered extraordinary and the person will immediately be entered into a leadership training program and put on a lecture circuit.
But if… an unbeliever or outsider enters, he is convicted by all, he is called to account by all, the secrets of his heart are disclosed, and so, falling on his face, he will worship God… (1 Corinthians 14:24-25)
- When meeting to pray, the prayer will not end until the meeting place begins to shake.
And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken… (Acts 4:31)
We will continue to study Scripture to determine what activities should be practiced by the members of this church and how those activities should be carried out. Why? Because, we want to make sure that everything we do is completely biblical using the common hermeneutic of today.
If you would like to be part of this church… there’s something wrong with you. Get help immediately.
16 Comments
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Alan –
I love this post!!! Thanks so much this gentle reminder about GRACE! At least that’s what it spoke about to me … grace …
Blessings!
~Heather
I’m in!
Lew
I knew I could count on you for good reading on April 1.
Alan,
I think I’ll emigrate to your neck of the woods. Sending good design for the windows by email.
ROTFL!!! I had to read this one out loud to my wife.
Don’t let women speak. And let them be saved by childbirth!
I believe my former church would be more spiritual.
I worshiped at the Mattress of the Inner Spring.
Great post!!
#7 would require a video camera be present to film the childbirth events and then place on youtube. 🙂
Absolutely love it! I’ve got this one earmarked as a “keeper” along with dozens of other “The Best of AK”.
On a more serious note, I think this is what Frank Viola was getting at in what was for me the most difficult chapter 11 of “Pagan Christianity” entitled Reapproaching the New Testament and the way we copy and paste Scriptures together to come up with our theology and practices. To be honest I am still struggling with how much of this is true in my own life and practice. Your April 1 post only serves to confirm how much of this kind of thing actually goes on in Christendom.
Everyone,
Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad that you all enjoyed my April Fools Day post.
Guy,
I agree. I’m also stil struggling with how much of my understanding of the church – and other issues – is based on a “pick-and-choose” hermeneutic.
I sent you an email about one of your previous posts that I never had the time to comment on.
-Alan
“I agree. I’m also stil struggling with how much of my understanding of the church – and other issues – is based on a ‘pick-and-choose’ hermeneutic.”
Great post. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who struggles with this.
You are such an arrogant jerk.
You forgot the part about shaving your head! Acts 21:23-26
And let’s not forget about Timothy having to get circumsized….
Sheesh, talk about your 3/4 gospel here!
I like to use these examples to illustrate that all the so called gifts in use during Acts aren’t necessarily in practice and to be expected today. I am certain that is how you use this wisdom as well…
http://frickings/blogspot.com
Anonymous,
I’m not sure if your comment is meant to be serious or not. This post is not meant to be taken seriously – it is sarcasm.
-Alan
Great post. I picked up a couple more that might have been missed:
#1. We only worship with the lights on.
#6. All elders/ pastors should be wine drinkers.
#8. No kneeling to the Son or the Holy Spirit.
Great list Alan!
Hilarious!