stories: The kind of friends we all need
This post is part of my “stories” series. In this series, I share stories of how people live their lives in response to the gospel and as a demonstration of God’s love in order to teach us and to provide an example to provoke us to love and good works. (See “stories: A New Series” for more information about this series.)
Last month, my father-in-law had quadruple bypass surgery. As you can imagine, this was a tense time for our family.
While he was in surgery and we were all in the waiting room, several friends of my in-laws joined us. One set of visitors surprised us. I’ll call them Mr. and Mrs. B. Since we lived in the same city as my in-laws until about 10 years ago, I know this family, but I didn’t know they were good friends with my in-laws.
They sat in the waiting room with us during the surgery, and rejoiced with us when we heard that the surgery went well. They didn’t just sit quietly though; they struck up conversations with many of the family members, both with those they knew (like us) and with family member that they had never met before.
After surgery, when they were leaving the hospital, I heard Mrs. B say that she was going to work at the local crisis center that afternoon. The crisis center provides food and clothing to families that are in need. The food and clothing are provided by people from the various churches in the county, and are distributed by volunteers to people who come by the center. So, besides giving up their morning spending time comforting our family, they were giving up their afternoon serving others in need – mostly people that they did not know.
At dinner that night, I asked my mother-in-law about this family. I said, “I didn’t realize you were good friends with Mr. and Mrs. B.” She said, “We’re not. We’re in the same Sunday School class with them, but we don’t do anything else with them.”
Then, my mother-in-law said the following: “But, that’s just the way they are. They are always the first people to visit whenever someone is in the hospital. When Frank (my father-in-law) was taking chemo treatments for his prostate cancer, they were the only ones who brought us food. We didn’t ask for it; they just brought it on their own.”
I said something like, “Well, those are the kind of friends we all need.” And, its true! Not only that, but that’s the kind of friend we all need to be to others.
Mr. and Mrs. B do not wait for others to ask for help before they being serving. And, they do not only serve those with whom they are close friends. When they see a need, they meet that need if its in their ability. They are willing to give up time and resources for people that they do not know, and who cannot pay them back or serve them back.
By the way, this family is part of a very traditional church organization. They have probably never heard the word “missional”. But, they know how to share their lives with others, both within the structure of the church organization and outside that structure.
This is a great demonstration of love – the love of Christ! This is an example that we can all follow, regardless of our giftedness, talents, resources, or lack thereof. God loved us by giving. We can only respond to his love by giving of ourselves to others.
Extraction or Insertion
Strider at “Tales from Middle Earth” is one of the best storytellers that I know. I always enjoy his blog posts, and I enjoyed meeting him a few months ago. His latest post is called “A missional paradigm“.
He begins his post like this:
So, here is a story of a significant paradigm shift in my ministry understanding. It concerns the idea of ‘extraction evangelism’. Now, this may not be a concept that many of you know or understand. Extraction evangelism is really just normal evangelism, it is the kind that usually happens unless something intentional is done to stop it. What it means is that a lost person living in a lost community gets saved. Someone shares Jesus with that person and that person leaves his/her lost community and joins the community of the redeemed- usually that means they start meeting with a group of Christians whom they previously did not know. The group rejoices because this person has found Jesus and is no longer lost and their Church has now increased in size signifying God’s blessing on the group.
Now, this model is very problematic in a Muslim society such as the one I live in here in Gondor. First, very often there are no Churches for individuals to join! Second, the individual’s community does not usually give that person up without a fight. Family and community persecution are very common here even though technically the Government of Gondor claims to provide for freedom of religion. But the biggest problem is that once a person leaves their community to join a Christian community then that lost community is left without a witness and is now more resistant to the Gospel than ever. For all these reasons we have tried from the beginning of our ministry here to avoid extraction evangelism.
From this point, Strider tells a story about a co-worker who tries to encourage locals to consider evangelizing entire families.
This post helped me think through some of the things that we’ve been trying to do in a government assisted housing development. We’ve been spending time in this neighborhood for more than six months now, and we’ve gotten to know many of the neighbors very well.
We’re not trying to “extract” them from their environment. Instead, we’re attempting to insert ourselves and other believers into a community that already exists. There are already relationships there. We don’t want to destroy those relationships. Instead, we hope to see those relationships transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Have any of you had experiences with either “extraction evangelism” or “insertion evangelism”?
stories: 20 years with a missional wife
This post is part of my “stories” series. In this series, I share stories of how people live their lives in response to the gospel and as a demonstration of God’s love in order to teach us and to provide an example to provoke us to love and good works. (See “stories: A New Series” for more information about this series.)
Since today is my twentieth wedding anniversary, I thought I would start my “stories” series by talking about my wife. (Yes, I know that its hard to believe that someone would stay married to me for 20 years, but I promise that its true.)
I met Margaret when we were both 10 years old, so we’ve known each other for more than 30 years. In that time, I’ve never heard her use the term “missional”, not even recently when that word seems to be everywhere. But, I have learned more about missional living from her than from anyone else.
She has always been a caring person; the type of person that is deeply affected by other people’s circumstances and emotions. She truly rejoices when others rejoice and weeps when other weep. People notice this about her too, and people love to talk to her – to share their struggles with her.
Another reason that people like to talk to Margaret is that she is very accepting and not judgmental at all. In fact, she finds it easier to accept other people’s faults than to accept her own faults.
These two traits (empathy and acceptance) work together in Margaret to drive her to action. When someone tells her their problems, she wants to serve, comfort, and help. She cannot sit idly by while other people struggle alone. She wants to be part of their struggle. But, she goes beyond “wanting” to help; she actually helps people, giving of herself over and over again.
I’ve seen her comfort someone for hours. She’s made more meals for people than I can count. She’s taken care of people’s children and houses and pets when they could not do it for themselves. She’s given money to people in need – money that she had saved to buy something for herself.
Last fall, Margaret was talking with one of the elderly ladies who lives in government assisted housing development. The lady told Margaret that the housing authority does not rake their leaves. Within a week, Margaret had asked her friends to help her rake leaves. We raked leaves for 6 housing units.
Another time, Margaret was talking with one of the elderly ladies who had been sick. The lady said that she was resting so that she could wash her dishes, because she had not felt like washing them for a few days. Without asking or being asked, Margaret immediately went into the lady’s kitchen and washed her dishes.
These are not out of the ordinary occurrences. She does these kinds of things all the time.
Little things? Yes, these are little things. But, I believe that “missional living” is found more in the little things – the everyday things – the ordinary things – than in the great things. God has taught me how to care for people, how to love them, and how to serve them by watching and imitating Margaret.
I thank God for 20 years with my missional wife. I look forward to many more years.
(Update: I wrote this article several weeks ago. After I wrote it, Margaret’s father had heart problems and underwent bypass surgery. He’s doing well, but he will have a long recovery ahead of him. Margaret once again demonstrated that she’s a servant by staying with her parents for 2-3 weeks to help them through his recovery process. I miss her greatly, but I’m so proud of her decision to serve them.)
"I needed to talk to you"
While our family was still in Alabama, I got a phone call from S. She is one of the residents of the government assisted housing development where we’ve been spending time since last summer.
She was very upset, and asked if Margaret and I could come over to talk to her. I explained that we were out of town, and I asked if she wanted to wait, if she wanted me to find someone else for her to talk to (someone that she was acquainted with), or if she wanted to talk on the phone. She asked if we could talk on the phone.
Apparently, there had been some type of incident in which S. felt she was wrongly accused of something. Because of that accusation, she and her three children might have to move out of the housing development. This would be very difficult for her family because they can’t afford to live anywhere else.
Primarily, she said, “I just wanted to talk to you and Margaret. I needed to get this off of my chest, and I didn’t know anyone else that I could talk to about it.”
For the first time since we’ve known her, S. began talking about her faith. She talked about some of the struggles she’s had in life. She said that she didn’t understand why her life was going wrong while people who were violent or did drugs seemed to have a good life.
When we first met S., she seemed cold and distant. But, through the time we’ve spent with her, we’ve developed a relationship that seemed impossible at the beginning of last summer. Now, when she needed to talk to someone, she thought of us. How amazing!
Once again, God confirmed to me that my responsibility was to love people in his name, and allow him to give me opportunities to help people in their faith. It is not responsibility to force things on people, or to manipulate conversations and relationships in order to disciple people. I must let God lead them to himself.
So, we’ve loved S. and her family. We’ve helped them through various situations. We’ve served them in different ways. In every case, we’ve let them know that the reason that we love them is because God loves us and he loves them.
Please pray for S. and her family. Pray that this situation would be resolved, or that she would find another place to live. Also, please pray that whatever happens, she would allow God to reveal himself to her however he desires.
Finally, as Paul asked, please pray for me and my family, “that God may open to us a door for the word, to speak the mystery of Christ.”
Missional Tribe
I’ve joined a new social networking site called “Missional Tribe“. Here is one description of this new site:
It is a space where story and praxis is given emphasis over the theoretical and conceptual. It is a kinship of diverse people who practice “the way of Jesus,†a way that informs and radically transforms their very being. It is a place where the great conversations around the missional paradigm can be brought together so they are evergreen and accessible.
I’ve decide to cross-post my “stories” series on my Missional Tribe blog which I also named “stories“.
Also, I’ve started a group called “Missio Academia“. This is how I described this group:
Can scholarship and missional living coexist? Is it possible for those in the ivory tower to reach out to those living on the streets? Let’s discuss the dangers, pitfalls, and possible benefits of academia to missional living.
We haven’t had any maj0r discussions yet, but perhaps some of my readers would want to take part.
Finally, there is a video of a very good discussion between David Fitch and Ed Stetzer on the topic “What is Missional?” Apparently, this video is part one of a multi-part video.
If you decide to join “Missional Tribe“, look me up.
Christmas Giving
Alot of people complain about Christmas. They complain that Christmas has become more about getting than about Christ. If you are one of those who complain, then do something about it. Make this Christmas about Christ by GIVING. Why? Because Christ gave.
Last week, Margaret and I gave blood. She’s given blood as long as I can remember, and she persuaded me to start giving blood last year. I now give “double reds” if they need it. If you don’t want to give blood, then donate or volunteer to support the American Red Cross.
Also last week, we made another loan through Kiva, this time to a young lady in Nicaragua who wants to expand the retail space in her home. (She reminded me of the family that we stayed with when we visited Nicaragua a few years ago.) If you are not familiar with Kiva, this organization allows you to make micro-loans ($25) to people around the world. When the people pay the loans back (usually in about a year), you can loan that money to other people.
Additionally, last week, we went Christmas shopping for some of the children who live in the government assisted housing development that we spend time in each week. We have participated in “angel tree” type of projects before. (If you are not familiar with “angel tree”, it is where you choose the name of a random child off of a tree and buy a present for that child.) We’re excited about this year because we actually know the children that we’re buying gifts for.
Finally, last week, Margaret took an elderly lady to her doctor’s appointment. The lady lives in the government assisted housing development where we spend time each week. She called Margaret one morning and said that there was no one to take her to the doctor. So, Margaret took her.
So, we’ve started our Christmas giving already. Our children (Jeremy and Miranda) are excited about giving; they helped us choose and pay for (yes! with their money!) some of the toys for the children.
Will you start giving too? I don’t mean giving to people who will give back to you. I mean, will you give to someone who cannot give a gift to you in return? You know, the way that God gives…
Make a Difference
Jamey at “A Life Transformed” is one of those voices that every believer should listen closely to. Here is one of her recent posts called “What Would Have Made A Difference“:
If you would have reached out to me as a friend, that would have made a difference.
I needed the support and encouragement of someone who cared.If you would have taken the time to listen, that would have made a difference.
I needed someone who could understand.If you would have accepted me, that would have made a difference.
I wanted to feel like I belonged.If you would have loved me, that would have made a difference.
It would have gave me hope.All these things would have made a difference,
I would have seen Jesus in you.The hurting need to know that someone cares and loves them. Sometimes the thing they may need most is someone to just be there. If we want to see lives transformed with the message of Jesus, we need to show them Jesus. We do that through our actions by loving them, genuinely caring for them, having compassion for them, and seeing them as Jesus does. That exemplifies the love of Christ.
Jamey is not speaking from theory. She’s been homeless before. She knows how the poor are treated, even by Christians.
I’m ready to make a difference. How about you?
Listening, Learning, Serving
About a year and a half ago, I wrote a post called “Listening, learning, serving“. The purpose of this post was to encourage believers to listen and learn from people before they jump in and try to serve them. As I’ve learned to do this, I’ve heard time and time again from people, “Usually when people come to our neighborhood to help, they do things that don’t really help us.” Are you willing to spend the time to get to know people and then serve them in ways that actually help?
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I’ve had an ongoing conversation over the last few days with my wife, Margaret, and a good friend of ours (Theron from “Sharing in the Life“). Actually, for me, the conversation started a couple of days before that when another friend of ours made a comment about some ladies that we have not seen lately, whom we have tried to serve, but for some reason, we have failed to serve them. This comment led to our continuing conversation about service – particularly about serving people who are different from us: people from different cultures, different ages (generations), different beliefs, etc.
Theron and I began talking about serving people from foreign cultures: specifically, how would we serve people if we lived in a foreign culture? I realize that many people who read this blog deal with this question (and similar questions) every day of their life. Theron suggested that before we could serve someone, we would have to know how to serve them. In other words, in different cultures service may be different (and probably is) than service in our own culture. Thus, it would be necessary to listen to people and to know them before we could truly serve them in ways that matter to them – in ways that impact their lives. Certainly, this does not mean that we should sit around doing nothing, but there is a learning process before serving becomes as effective as it could be. Also, I would never remove the important role of the Holy Spirit in this. The Spirit certainly leads us to serve people in ways that we may not understand, but in ways that may be extremely important to the ones being served.
The necessity of the process of learning to serve others is fairly obvious when serving people in foreign cultures. But, what about people in our own culture that may be from a different generation or have a different set of beliefs or even from a different background. Could it be that we miss opportunities to serve – and at others times offend people when we attempt to serve them – because we do not listen and learn about them before we begin to serve? We have attempted to serve some people who are older than us recently, without much success. Why? Because I don’t think we knew them enough to know how to serve them. Why didn’t we know them? We didn’t begin by listening to them.
Margaret reminded me that a few years ago, when we lived in another state, we were able to successfully serve some older ladies. We would spend time with them in their homes, listening to their stories, sharing tea and snacks. When she reminded me of this, I immediately thought, “That’s not serving! That’s just hanging out!” Of course, this is exactly the point of my post. To me, spending time talking with these ladies was just hanging out, but to them, it was serving them. We demonstrated our love for them by spending time with them. I viewed service differently than they did. They viewed service differently than me.
If I spent all of my time, energy, and resources serving them in the way that I wanted to be served, then I would have wasted much of that time, energy, and resources. Why? Because they were served by us being with them, not by us doing things for them.
I began to think about my son and daughter. In a few years, they will be living on their own. I wonder, what will they consider service? How will they serve others and how will others their age want to be served? What about the men and women who are several years younger than me today? What do they consider service?
Similarly, many times we try to serve people the way other Christians want to be served. But, what if our neighbors are not followers of Christ? What if our coworkers are not Christians? Do we serve them in the same way that we would serve Christians that we know? Or, should we actually spend time listening to them and getting to know them, so that we will know how to serve them?
I realize that this is obvious to many people. However, for those of us who are learning what it means to serve people who are different than us, then this may be something that we need to consider and contemplate. I know that my family is learning to serve others – especially those outside the body of Christ. We are thinking about what it means to serve and love those who are of a different ethnicity or cultural background, those from a different economic class, or even those with different beliefs. We want to provide a cup of cold water in a way that benefits them the most – not in ways that benefit us the most.
So, as we serve others, we must begin by listening to them and learning from them. We must get to know them. Then, we can serve them as God leads us and strengthens us – we can serve them in a way that brings God glory.
Salaam and a cookie
Saturday evening, Margaret and I were returning home from an afternoon shopping trip. We had planned to buy something for dinner at the grocery store, but we realized that we forgot to do that. So, we decided to stop by a local Subway shop for $5 subs.
The man behind the counter took our order and fixed our sandwiches quickly. As we were checking out, I noticed his accent. I LOVE accents, and I love learning about people. So, I said to the man, “I don’t mean to be rude, but can I ask where you’re from?”
Apparently, he didn’t think I was being rude at all. He smiled and said, “Lebanon”.
I smiled back and said, “Salaam”, which is a generic Arabic greeting, like “hello” or “greetings”.
He smiled even bigger and we talked for few minutes about Lebanon and other Lebanese people in the area. I’ve met a few from local restaurants.
As we were about to leave, he stopped us and gave us three cookies.
It is amazing how much people will talk about themselves if you are interested and take the time to listen. I often talk to people – especially people with accents. I love languages, but I also love to hear people talk about themselves and their home countries. I’ve also found that people like to talk about themselves.
I’ve learned how to say “hello” in many different languages just by asking people where they were from. Of course, this means that I have to stop thinking about myself, and think about other people – which is hard to do. I’ve been taught (along with most people in the US) to consider myself and my own interests first. I’ve been taught to use other people to get the things that I want or that I need.
But, somehow, God has changed me. I no longer think about myself (well, not all the time). I often find myself wondering about the person behind the counter, or in line next to me, or taking my order, or next door. And, when I find myself wondering, I try to stop and ask them about themselves.
People’s demeanor (often) changes completely when you ask them about themselves. They become much more open to sharing and listening… especially when I listen first. But, this is something that is not natural for me. It is something that I’m learning, I think, through the work of the Spirit in my life.
I enjoyed sharing a cookie with Margaret on the way home. I enjoyed seeing the kids’ excitement when we gave them their cookies. But, more than that, I enjoyed learning more about the man behind the counter at Subway, and learning more about Lebanon and the Arabic language. I’m going to look for him the next time I stop at Subway.
My Missional Daughter, Again
A couple of months ago, I wrote about an essay that my 11 year old daughter, Miranda, wrote for her writing class. The post was called “My Missional Daughter“. She wrote another essay about raking leaves on Sunday (see my post “Gathering and Going Out Together“). Here is her essay:
Sunday our family and some other people from our church went to a neighborhood, and raked some leaves for some families in that neighborhood. We were out there for a few hours, and raked about six or more yards. Even though we had to work it was really fun because we got to help out a lot of people.
I’m realizing that even if you do something small for someone it can mean a whole lot to him or her.
I’m very proud of my daughter. Neither my wife nor I gave her the idea to write about raking leaves. I’m glad that she’s learning how to love people as a demonstration of God’s love for her and for them.