Five Secrets (and more) Pastors MUST Tell
Last week, Adrian Warnock linked to a post from last June written by Thom Rainer called “Five Secrets Pastors Refuse to Tell.” The point of the original post is that pastors are often told secrets by other people and must keep those secrets in confidence. Similarly, pastors have secrets of their own – related to themselves and their families – that they do not tell others. As Rainer states, “These spiritual leaders refuse to share their thoughts or pains for fear that their own ministries will be damaged.”
What kinds of things are on Rainer’s lists of secrets kept by many (most?) pastors?
- “My marriage is struggling.”
- “I fear my kids will grow up hating the church.”
- “I let a handful of critics control me.”
- “I often have anger toward the supportive church members who don’t defend me to my critics.”
- “I’ve thought about quitting several times.”
I have a huge concern with this list and with similar lists. Now, I understand that there is a context to this list. When Rainer (and others) use the term “pastor” in contexts like this, they are referring to the leader(s) of a religious organization. This person may or may not be spiritually gifted at pastoring. This person may or may not be actually pastoring anyone. The title refers to a position within the organization.
When Rainer states, “These spiritual leaders refuse to share their thoughts or pains for fear that their own ministries will be damaged,” he’s referring to their position within the organization being damaged. And, keeping the kinds of secrets that Rainer lists (and other similar secrets) is a good way for someone to protect themselves and their positions within these organizations.
But, the problem is that when it comes to actually pastoring – actually shepherding other people in order to help them follow Jesus Christ and grow in maturity – keeping these kinds of secrets is antithetical to the desired goal.
You cannot help people learn to interact with their spouses in the Lord while at the same time keeping your own struggles a secret. You cannot teach people who to live with, love, and be at peace with those who oppose them or disagree with them by keeping secrets about those who oppose or disagree with you. You cannot show people what it means to follow Jesus Christ if you see your own role as something that can be “quit.”
How do we move away from the kind of life that believes it’s necessary to keep these kinds of secrets from brothers and sisters in Christ? I think it’s fairly simply… because I’ve been through it. It requires moving away from positional ministry among the church. It requires moving away from using and understanding terms like “pastor,” “evangelist,” etc. as positions and instead see and live them as ways to serve others. It requires refusing to see the “church” as an organization and instead to live with the people themselves as the church.
Are we willing to move away from these positional ways of thinking and more toward relational ways of thinking and living? If not, then it will be necessary to continue to keep these kinds of secrets from others in order to maintain our positions in the organization.
But, if we’re truly interested in pastoring – not in title, but in service in the Lord – then we will seek to open up our lives to others – warts and all – in order to help them follow Jesus Christ – even if it means we lose our positions among the organizations.
Scripture… As We Live It #238
This is the 238th passage in “Scripture… As We Live It.”
For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins was born in Bethlehem on December 25th and that you should celebrate his birthday annually in accordance with the Scriptures… (1 Corinthians 15:3 re-mix)
(Please read the first post for an explanation of this series.)
Replay: Did she just say, “Happy Holidays”?
Last year, just before Christmas, I published a post called, “Did she just say Happy Holidays?” Around this time of year, the wars of words starts between those who say “Merry Christmas” and those who say “Happy Holidays” with apparently very little middle ground. So many Christians get offended when someone says, “Happy Holidays.” I wonder if there’s not a better way to respond…
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Did she just say Happy Holidays?
Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad! Fröhliche Weihnachten! Joyeux Noël! Buon Natale! Feliz Natal! Mele Kalikimaka!
What!?!? Did she just say, “Happy Holidays”? That just won’t do…
Ok… so, just to be clear, I tell people, “Merry Christmas.” But, I’m not upset or offended when someone says, “Happy Holidays.” In fact, I do not assume that someone is a nonChristian if that person says, “Happy Holidays.”
What would happen if Christians actually talked with (and listened to) people talk about how THEY celebrated the “holidays” instead of responding in more negative ways?
I could imagine a conversation kinda like this…
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“Happy Holidays,” she said as she handed me the receipt.
“Thank you,” I said with a smile. The story was almost empty, and there was no one in line behind me, so I continued, “Which holiday or holidays are you celebrating?”
She seemed a little surprised, but I stopped and made sure she could tell that I was truly interested in what she would say.
“ummm… What do you mean?” she answered with a question, obviously a little unsure of my intent.
“Well, different people celebrate this time of year for different reasons: Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, New Years. Some people just enjoy this time of year by taking a break from work or school and spending time with family. Others recognize the change of seasons or the winter solstice. What are you celebrating during the holidays?”
She stopped for a moment, and looked at me funny again. “You know, no one has ever asked me that before. My family got together for Thanksgiving, and we have several different Christmas traditions…” She told me about some of her family’s plans including travel and parties.
For some reason, I’m always surprised, but I know that people love to talk about things that they care about, especially to someone who is really listening. So, I listened, and made a couple of comments about corresponding traditions or places that I’d been before.
As she stopped talking about herself and her family, I thanked her for telling me about her holiday plans, and started to turn away out of the store.
“What about you?” she asked. “What are you doing for the holidays?”
I turned back toward her and smile. I don’t know if she was as interested in hearing my reasons to celebrate or not, but she had asked. So…
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The way I see it, this kind of encounter – any time of year – must be preceded by the following:
1) An earnest concern for the other person and a desire to hear what the other person has to say. (In other words, don’t ask the other person about her beliefs ONLY so that you can share your own.)
2) A willingness to walk away without sharing your own beliefs/plans/whatever if the person does not ask.
So, what about you? Have you ever had an interesting conversation with someone because you reacted in a way that showed you genuinely cared about them (especially when your response was different than what they may have expected from Christians)?
un-loving one another
Believe it or not, the “one another” chain blog is still going strong – although it has slowed down slightly.
The “one another” chain blog started over two months ago with my post “Chain blog: One Another.” Since then, 17 bloggers have written 21 posts on the topic of “one another.”
If you’re interested, I’ve linked to and provided a short blurb for each “link” in the chain in my post called “Blog with One Another: A Chain Blog Update.” (I keep that post updated as new links are added to the chain blog.)
The posts in the chain blog have covered many different aspects of the various “one another” passages in Scripture. Some of them have been more theoretical and some have been more practical. Of course, all of them are practical, because living for “one another” is extremely practical.
I want to highlight the last two posts in the chain, because they focus on “un-loving one another” or choosing who to love.
First, there’s Dan’s post “love: a ‘one another’ comic.” As the title indicates, Dan’s post is actually a comic. Who do we love? Do we get to choose who to love? If so, then “love one another” is quite doable. But, if we don’t get to choose who to love, then “love one another” becomes absolutely impossible… at lest it’s humanly impossible.
Then, there’s the latest post in the chain blog. It was written by Rob, and it’s called “I Can Only Love You If…” After asking us to consider who we love, Rob says:
You might be thinking, “Shucks, that’s a high standard! Only God can be like that!” Exactly, the unconditional love for one another in the body of Christ and for people in the world can only come from God. It’s the fruit of the Spirit.
Yes, that’s the point, isn’t it!
If you haven’t yet, I hope you’ll read the various posts in the chain blog. Like I said, there are some really good posts there.
And, while you’re at it, why not write the next link post in the chain? Just jump over the last post and leave a comment saying that you’re going to write another post in the chain.
Finding Church – a new book with 36 authors (including me)
Last spring, my friend Jeremy from “Till He Comes” asked if I’d be interested in writing a chapter for a new book that he was putting together. He was asking people to write on one of four topics: changing churches, leaving church, reforming the church, and returning to church. I decided to take part in the project by writing a chapter on one of the topics.
I later wrote a series of blog posts about the project, with an introduction and one post for each topic: changing churches, leaving church, reforming the church, and returning to church. If you haven’t read those posts, I hope you will, because I think they help explain my understanding of church, and how that understanding has changed over the last few years.
In all, Jeremy gathered 36 different authors to write for this project. In the end, he condensed his 4 topics into 3: leaving church, switching church, and reforming church. He told us about all 36 authors in a post called “All the Finding Church Authors.” (Click each name to learn more about that particular author.)
(By the way, my chapter is in the section “reforming the church.”)
The book is now available. You can find out more from Civitas Press (the publisher), and you can even buy it on Amazon in paperback or for your Kindle device.
Here’s the publisher’s blurb about the book:
What happens when people begin to question church?
Millions of people are “leaving church” each year as they begin to question the deeper meanings and structures of gathering together. They’re asking a fundamental question of, “What does it mean to participate in church and what would happen if we did something different?”
They are not abandoning God, ignoring Scripture, or giving up on Jesus. While a few do leave for such reasons, the vast majority report that they leave church to better follow Jesus, obey God, and live out their faith in meaningful and relational ways. They stop attending church to pursue something more intimate and personal.
Finding Church explores these stories of people leaving, switching, and even reforming their basic understanding of church. It will open your eyes to a growing trend in culture for people to take responsibility for their faith.
I haven’t received my author’s copy of the book yet. But, when I do, I hope to read the other chapters and write a review. If you read the book, please let me know what you think (both about my chapter and the other chapters).
Do the household codes break the structure of Ephesians 5:18ff?
In my last post, “In Scripture, are grammar and structure important?“, I explained how several of us had a very encouraging discussion of the grammar and sentence structure of Ephesians 5:18-22. That’s the sentence that begins with “Do not get drunk with wine… but be filled with the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18), and ends with “… submitting to one another…, wives [submit] to your own husbands…” (Ephesians 5:21-22).
But, if you’re familiar with this section of Ephesians, you know that following Ephesians 5:21 is a section of Scripture often referred to as the “household codes.” In Ephesians 5:22-6:9, Paul discusses three pairs of relationships: husband/wife, children/parents (fathers), and slaves/masters. These pairs of relationships are often discussed in ancient literature (both Scripture and nonScripture) as the makeup of the family or household.
This section of Scripture surely belongs together, with Paul describing how our new relationship with God affects all of our family relationships as well. (For, even though many ancient authors discuss these three pairs of relationships, Paul modifies the interactions for those who are now in Christ.) But, if this section should be held together as a unit, how does this affect my previous suggestion that Ephesians 5:22 (the instructions for wives) follows from Ephesians 5:21 (“submitting to one another…”) which further follows from Ephesians 5:18 (“be filled with the Spirit”)?
As I see it, there are three options:
1) Ephesians 5:22 is NOT part of the previous structure (i.e., from Ephesians 5:18), but instead begins a new, separate unit.
2) Ephesians 5:22-6:9 (the “household codes”) are NOT a unit and should instead be divided, with the first part (about wives) going with the previous section, while the following parts (husbands, children, parents, slaves, masters) being unrelated.
3) Ephesians 5:22-6:9 (the “household codes”) ARE a unit and, therefore, also fall under (within) the structure of Ephesians 5:18 and following.
For now, I think the grammar and structure of the passage are best understood in option 3 above. That is, the “household codes” continue the thought that Paul started in Ephesians 5:18, and thus are results of being filled with the Spirit. Furthermore, the “household codes” are all illustrations of “submitting to one another…” (from Ephesians 5:21).
Once again, our discussion of grammatical analysis and structural analysis lead to a discussion of being filled with the Spirit and how that should look in our lives. This time, the focus turns away from only how wives interact with their husbands and turns to the interactions within any family relationship.
Of course, this discussion pointed out something else important. If we miss the importance of being filled with the Spirit (which results in certain types of interactions among family members), and if we instead focus only on the relationships themselves, then we may begin relying on our own abilities to interact with one another in ways that can only happen in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit.
So, again, grammar and structure are important, and studying grammar and structure of Scripture lead directly to both understanding Scripture better and to exhortations to being filled with the Spirit.
In Scripture, are grammar and structure important?
When gathering with the church, have you ever had a discussion about grammar and structure in Scripture? I have… several times. And, the last time this happened was last Sunday when we were studying Ephesians 5.
I know what you’re thinking… “How can a discussion about grammar and sentence structure be edifying to the church?” Well, believe it or not, it can be. In fact, in some cases, it’s important to discuss grammar and sentence structure in order to understand Scripture.
But, in this particular case, we were looking at Ephesians 5:22-33. Of course, this is a very famous passage because everyone wants to argue about what it means for a wife to submit to her husband. (Although, I’ve found it strange that there are very few arguments about what it means for a husband to love his wife… and why there are few – if any – websites or “ministries” devoted to the husband loving the wife. But, I guess that’s a question for another day.)
At one point, I mentioned that Ephesians 5:22 does not include a verb, and that it follows directly from Ephesians 5:21. I also mentioned that Ephesians 5:21 is a participial phrase that is part of the sentence that begins in Ephesians 5:18. In other words, “wives submit to your own husbands” is part of the description of “submitting to one another” which is part of the command “be filled with the Spirit.”
Let’s take this the other way: When Paul writes, “Be filled with the Spirit…” (Ephesians 5:18), he then gives 4 results (at least, I think they are results of being filled with the Spirit – but that’s actually another grammatical question): 1) addressing one another… (Ephesians 5:19a), 2) singing and making melody (Ephesians 5:19b), 3) giving thanks (Ephesians 5:20), and 4) submitting to one another (Ephesians 5:21).
Then, as part of “submitting to one another,” Paul next addresses wives and instructs them to submit to their own husbands as an example (Ephesians 5:22). So, whatever it means to submit to one another, and whatever it means for wives to submit to their husbands (and, yes, we discussed this), it all begins with being filled with the Spirit. (By the way, I didn’t say all of that on Sunday morning, but other people did bring up different grammatical aspects of this passage based on the relationship between Ephesians 5:18, Ephesians 5:21, and Ephesians 5:22.)
What’s interesting is that after we talked about this and continued to the end of the chapter. A few people later wanted to talk about it again. One of the questions that was often brought up is this one: What does it mean that addressing, singing, giving thanks, and submitting all follow from being filled with the Spirit?
So a grammatical / structural question not only led to understanding Scripture better, it also led immediately to encouraging one another about being filled with the Spirit. Plus, it puts the whole discussion about husbands / wives, parents / children, and masters / slaves in a completely different light… because it all begins with being filled with the Spirit.
But, aren’t the kids a distraction when the church gathers?
Last week, Gavin at “Simple Church Alliance” wrote a great post called “What About The Kids?” Whenever people think about more organice or simple types of church gatherings, they often (eventually) ask the question, “But what do you do with the children?”
The assumption, of course, is that we gather as the church in order to sing together and to listen to someone preach a sermon. If this is the case, then a loud child or a crying baby can be a distraction. If a toddler next to me is moving around, then I may not be paying attention to the words that are being sung. If a baby near me cries, then I may not be able to hear the speaker.
Gavin suggests that children should not be seen as a distraction, but should instead be involved in the church gathering. He provides several suggestions that he’s seen practiced over the last several years, including:
Pray & Prepare
Get A Sitter
Music
Skits
Listening To God
One Anothers
Dance
Kids Focus
Please click over to Gavin’s post for a longer list, and for a description of each item in his list.
Often, children gather with us on Sundays – not to mention the times we get together throughout the week. There are newborns, toddlers, younger children, older children, teenagers… almost every age group.
Guess what? Children are often loud, talkative, fussy, etc. And, I’m talking about well-behaved children. That’s the way children are.
So, what do we do when children “disrupt” our gathering or are a “distraction”? Well, first, we recognize that the children are not a disruption and they are not a distraction. They are children, and they are part of our families. They are welcomed in our gathering – talking, crying, fussing, and all.
That attitude alone solves most of the problems. If we’re honest with ourselves, children are seen as a disruption or a distraction because WE are not able to do what WE want to do because of them. In other words, WE can’t hear, or WE can’t sing, or WE can’t pay attention. In other words, we’re centered on ourselves and our desires. When those desires are not met because of talkative or crying children, we see them as a distraction.
But, think about what would happen if, instead of focusing on us and our desires, we focused on others – including the children (and their parents)?
There are so many different options when a child becomes “disruptive”… play with them… walk with them… color with them… Yes, we love coloring books, stickers, blocks, puzzle. And, yes, we sit right there in the floor with them in the middle of everyone else (or off to the side if there’s room).
Not only do the children understand that they are important, but the parents also understand how much we love them.
I’ve found many times that my worship in a church gathering consisted of sitting in the floor and putting stickers on a piece of paper with a few children. In doing that, I was obeying what God was calling me to do, and I was loving others. What could be better?
Scripture… As We Live It #237
This is the 237th passage in “Scripture… As We Live It.”
The one who observes the day Christmas, observes it in honor of the Lord… while the one who abstains or says, “Happy Holidays,” abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God is a pagan, a heretic, a non-Christian, and an all around bad person. (Romans 14:6 re-mix)
(Please read the first post for an explanation of this series.)
Some thoughts about “Scripture… As We Live It”
I’ve been writing the “Scripture… As We Live It” series since May 2008 (this is the first post). Tomorrow, I plan to publish the 237th post in the series. It’s a fun series for me to write, and I always enjoy the feedback. It seems that everyone agrees with some of the re-mixes and disagrees with others.
I also enjoy it when other people do their own re-mixes. (I’m certainly not claiming to be the first to do this…) For example, Eric writes his “Tradition Says” posts, and Jon has his “Playdough Scripture.” There have been others, but those are the two that I could find quickly. (Also, my friend Art created an animation based on one of my SAWLI posts.)
Recently, I’ve been honored to see that someone else is commenting on my SAWLI posts as well. Over at “Some Thoughts on Being Christian,” an author named JC has written a few posts based on some of the re-mixed Scriptures and he includes some of his own thoughts as well. You can find all of his posts here: “Scriptures about church… As we live them.”
I’m glad this idea has caught on with many bloggers. I really appreciate the many people who have followed my series and have commented on the posts.